TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the best. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally outside of place. Created by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But yes, confident, let us have One more place wherever American men can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though prior negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: provide Everybody a suite within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is smooth electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he need to halt applying it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the undertaking, replied, "You understand, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Superior folks. Terrific tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a large Trump head visible from House, a feature becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents plus the chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after discovering the setting up's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It can be not merely hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Options


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where friends may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing System: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advert campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is presently attracting focus from Global traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will also involve:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge exactly where my PTSD can have change-down assistance."


A further publish from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with Trump Tower Damascus https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."

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